‘Blackout’ — Image by kenne
On an early November Saturday morning
I got up to go to the bathroom.
Closing the door and turning on the light
Instead of light, everything went black —
No warning, it was a blackout.
I remember hearing the noise from
My body hitting the linen closet door.
I can’t tell you how long I laid
On the floor before awakening —
It didn’t seem very long.
Never having experienced a blackout,
I set up, not sure of what had happened.
My upper body was in a lot of pain.
Everything seemed clear, sitting for a moment.
Experiencing no dizziness, I stood up,
Shook my thing, wash my hands
And calmly went back to bed
Not disturbing Joy, still sound asleep.
By daylight, I was experiencing in a lot of pain
In my left side ribs and right shoulder.
I got up carefully, putting on my watch
Before going to the kitchen to make coffee.
Even with all the pain, I was in denial.
Trying to act as if nothing had happened
I poured a mug of coffee before going
To my computer in our study.
It wasn’t long before Joy came in.
She sensed something was wrong,
Bombarding me with a lot of questions.
Maybe she had heard the nose, but
Wrote it off as part of a bad dream.
We discussed going to the ER,
Deciding to take a wait and see.
The following Tuesday, I saw
My primary care doctor who
Ask why I didn’t go to the ER?
After examining me, he
Prescribed physical therapy,
Which began the following week.
He also prescribed my seeing
A cardiologist, which took weeks.
After wearing a heart monitor for a month
And several other tests, the diagnosis;
My heart had a conductivity problem.
The heart monitor showed that on occasion
My heart rate would be in the 20s and 30s.
The cardiologist prescribed a pacemaker
And as of ten days ago, I now have a
Boston Scientific pacemaker in my chest.
I now know more about heart conductivity
Than I ever wanted to know, having been
Given a lot of does and don’t
For the next several weeks.
The pacemaker will keep my heart rate
At a more normal rate creating a less
Likelihood of experiencing another
flatline moment in the future.
The pacemaker should last ten years,
Which is the approximate life of the battery.
My heart doesn’t have a mechanical problem,
However, it has an electrical problem.
If an knife is an extension of my hand
A pacemaker is an extension of my heart.
It is not meant to enhance but to help the
Heart function correctly in the usual sense.
Blurring the lines between the heart
And an implanted device in my chest
Allowing a sense of wholeness despite
Physical changes over time —
We see our existence is as a whole
However, we are collections of parts that,
In truth, are not always working together.
— kenne
This is my pacemaker.
